SELF ABANDONMENT

 Self abandonment is when you ignore, reject, or suppress your needs (often on the spot). You are actively aware of a need or desire that you want to meet but you make a decision consciously or unconsciously not to meet it. 

If you grew up in a household where your physical needs were never met or were neglected; you probably might have felt unloved or unworthy and might have come up with coping patterns of thinking and acting. 

As adults we tend to repeat these patterns from childhood because they are familiar; we settle for partners or friends who mistreat, take advantage, or don't support us. And we do the same to ourselves. We don't know how to be there for ourselves because nobody was truly there for us as children. 

Self abandonment is a learnt behaviour. It is a coping mechanism in an unhealthy dysfunctional family setup. 

Children depend on adults to meet their physical and emotional needs; but when they find themselves in an unpredictable, toxic, or abusive family environment, they learn to hide their true self including their needs and wants. They morph into roles that will help keep peace and avoid physical and emotional pain, ridicule, and put-downs. 

As adults they carry these traits where they suppress their needs and peg their worth on things they have accomplished at the expense of their interests and goals. 

Some common examples of self abandonment are; 

Lack of Self Belief: This is second guessing yourself, overthinking and ruminating, letting others make decisions for you, and assuming they know than you do. 

People Pleasing: Seeking external validation, suppressing your own needs and interests to please others.

Perfectionism: Having unrealistically high expectations of yourself, never feeling worthy regardless of how much you have have accomplished.

Self Criticism and Judgement: Saying mean and hurtful things to yourself especially when you don't meet your own painfully high standards.

Not Honoring Your Needs: Not recognising your needs are valid, failing to practice self care, feeling unworthy of self care.

Suppressing Your Feelings: Pushing away uncomfortable feelings through denial, mood altering substances, and avoidance. 

Not Acting According To Your Values: Doing things to please others even if they go against your values and beliefs. 

Co-dependent Relationships: Focusing on someone else's needs, problems, and wants, and neglecting yourself. 

Not Speaking Up For Yourself: Not asking for what you need, not setting and enforcing boundaries, letting people take advantage of you. 

Self Abandonment is a self destructive pattern that can lead to  anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and unfulfilling relationships. Abandoning yourself might have been necessary as a child but as an adult it is an inadequacy that must be resolved. In our next article we will address how to deal with self abandonment.